People shocked face-eating leopard eats faces

And, *heavy sigh* ... egg hoarding

“As democracy is perfected, the office represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.” — H.L. Mencken

Let’s dive right in…

Muslim vote

During the campaign, media outlets spilled barrels and barrels of pixels talking about the Muslim voters of Michigan and how they might vote Trump unless Joe Biden stopped a foreign power from prosecuting a war. I remember thinking it was kind of a dumb threat, because not only did Trump take clear racist action against Muslims his first term, but during the campaign Jared Kushner got thirsty for Gaza and Trump said he’d reinstate his Muslim travel ban.

What kind of idiot would claim concern for Palestinians but vote for someone who promised to cause them a maximum amount of pain if he won?

Meet Albert Abbas.

*heavy sign* … egg hoarding

When it comes to a crisis, one thing you can count on Americans for is to try to minimize their own pain by making sure that everyone else around them suffers.

We went through this with toilet paper a few years ago, didn’t we? There was no earthly reason why there should be shortages of toilet paper, but there were because people are dumb. We were going to be at home a lot more, so naturally there had a be a run on toilet paper because the people who weren’t hoarding it for personal use were hoarding it to try to make a quick, dishonest buck.

Egg prices are up because there is less supply, so naturally instead of trying to lower demand, Americans want to make sure they get their hot little fists on the existing supply rather than learn to eat oatmeal for a few months.

I blame fitness bros. If you watch fitness bro videos about eating, they have an egg day thing where they eat half a dozen over-easy eggs in one sitting. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that fitness bros are really the primary reason why eggs are costly, instead of avian flu. Or Joe Biden. I’m sure there are still a lot of people who blame him.

I am outraged that you shared with people who aren’t me

One of the happiest days of my life was in mid-January, 2019. I woke up to the country tearing itself apart because a bunch of asshole high school kids from Kentucky were acting like assholes in Washington, D.C.

I’d just stopped writing opinion and learned life’s most important lesson: You don’t need to care about things that won’t affect your life.

Why do I bring this up?

You may despair of your life and all that it contains, but it will never be as empty and hollow as someone who runs a right-wing social media account expressing outrage over how Laurie Pohutsky manages her reproductive organs.

Everything on social media has turned to shit

My official last day on Facebook is Feb. 21. Meta has turned my feed into a non-stop avalanche of stupidity. I’ve used it for years to stay in touch with people from the many periods of my life, so that’s sad.

It isn’t just the feed, though. Reels have turned into complete shit.

Now it’s all dating advice videos that promise many, many tips on how to land the perfect mate, or how to tell if someone likes you, or — like this one — how to make yourself more attractive. But it’s just someone droning on and on and offering one very obvious tip.

You’ve watched all the way to the end, so the content creator gets full engagement. But, they’ve also burned you because you’ll never watch another video from that person. Unless you’re an idiot, which good chances that’s true.

I’ve watched two of these stupid things. I have no idea why. If I wanted a mate, I’d get one the old-fashioned way — through mail order — and skip the stupid games. But I can spot a trend. Social media trends are the dumbest.